Just saying.

I’m talking a legit pillow that doesn’t get hot on either side, ever, no matter how long you sleep on it, and not one of those liar pillows that they sell for too much money on TV. ¹

Seriously, if you invent this pillow, they’ll make all kinds of Oscar-winning movies about you.  Like Amadeus, only you’ll be more important than Mozart ever was because you pretty much single-handedly did something way more important than NASA and the Beatles put together.

Footnotes:
1.  OK real quick, does anyone ever buy anything off the TV any more?  I’m not judging you if you do, I’m just wondering.  Like, we have Amazon now.

Artist: Jessie J
Album: Who You Are

Let me open up with a clear recommendation of this album: I strongly recommend that you don’t buy this album.  Don’t buy it, don’t listen to it, don’t touch it with a ten-foot pole.

Funnily enough, despite being called Who You Are, Jessie J seems to have no idea who she is.  She makes sad attempts at sounding–and looking–like Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and basically any female pop contemporary you can think of today, but the only thing her endless impersonations have in common is that they universally miss the mark.

There’s really not a lot I can say about this album.  I’m not even going to endorse it with videos embedded in the post; if you want to hear it that badly head to GrooveShark or YouTube.  Just be warned that it’s set the bar markedly low for pop music in the 2010s.

Rating (Out of 5):

(Please note that I didn’t forget to put a rating here.  It’s a zero.)

5. The Golden Goddesses Story

How many times do you have to hear this thing?  Okay, only like twice, but when you’ve played Ocarina of Time multiple times it just becomes a tedious–and unskippable–cutscene.  I guess the real flaw here is the unskippability of cutscenes, but this is the only real cinematic one that you’d ever care to skip. And this one (well, two different ones that are almost the same) plays twice, once being told by the Deku tree and once by Princess Zelda.

4. Hey! Listen!

Honestly, I’m solely putting this one here because I couldn’t not include it.  Is Navi really that bad?  I think I’m just blinded by nostalgic love.

3. The Hylian Loach

I totally caught this once.  And so did that guy your friend in middle school knew. ³  Why is it lame?  Because it’s freaking insane to catch.  I love the fishing mini-game as much as the next guy (read: a whole, whole lot), but the amount of hours you have to pour into this stupid fish really is not worth it.

2. Selling the Bunny Hood

Holy crap this man took forever to find.  Not only does he run away from you constantly, he’s also terribly creepy and tends to run right past those freaking Peahats, which are like large rapist peaches that fly around and will. not. die.  Honestly, you’d have better luck getting the loach than finding this guy.  And when you do find him, he’s creepy.

1. Getting the Sun’s Song

Really, Zelda? Really?!  ⁴

Footnotes:

1. Not me.  I don’t even think it’s the best Zelda game.  But that’s another story for another time and/or the comments section.
2. Actually very few.
3. No but really, I did catch it.  I got the sinking lure and everything.  Yes, this is a real thing.
4. You may notice, at this point, that I left off the Water Temple.  You know why?  Because the Water Temple is awesome.  Actually, the Water Temple was a total fail but it had Shadow Link, the hands-down best mini-boss in this game.

Artist: Janelle Monaé
Album: The ArchAndroid

Pretty much anyone using the Internet to read blogs these days has been told to check out Miss Monaé and her wonderful (or “wondaful,” I suppose) album, The ArchAndroid.  It makes up parts two and three in her neo-soul, Afrofuturist epic loosely modeled after the classic German film Metropolis.  Over the course of the album and her previous EP, Monaé soulfully tells the story of a young android named Cyndi Mayweather, who falls in love with a human named Anthony Greendown, is hunted down by bounty hunters, and discovers she is destined to save the world (all while her alter-ego from which her biological components were cloned, Monaé herself, has been sent back in time and held prisoner in an insane asylum called The Palace of the Dogs by a secret police which uses time to oppress the masses).

Sound complicated?  It is, and wonderfully so.  The album–Monaé’s debut–has depth, story, and heart aplenty.  As she spins this intriguing science fiction story, Monaé spends most of the album relentlessly switching up styles, subjects, and even genres, but she has both the talent and the chutzpah to pull it off, and between the story and some well-produced transitions between songs, the album stays unified.

Monaé herself is infinitely suave and stylish, and comes across as educated and classy–the album itself lasts all 18 songs without the young singer uttering a single swear word.  Her voice transforms excellently to accommodate anything from the Motown-inspired “Tightrope” to the punk growls of “Come Alive” to the classical, jazzy vibe of the closing track, “BaBopByeYa.”  Overall, I highly recommend giving Miss Monaé’s album a whirl.

Rating (Out of 5):

I’m practically a professional blogger.  The amount of times I’ve redesigned, reorganized, and rewritten this same blog just to abandon it recklessly later is astounding.  If you’ve never been here before then you should know that this is, by no means, a new blogger making a new blog.  This is not a promising young artist painting a new modern art piece.  No, this is more like that hobo you see downtown outside the pancake house every day making 35 copies of the same painting of outer space for $15 a pop.

One time this blog died and I replaced it with another beta fish of the exact same color and you never even noticed. ¹  That’s how good at blogging I am.

So what is this blog?  It’s a humor blog, I’ll go ahead and say it.  But it’s only going to be found funny by three people.  Not three types of people, mind you, three people total:

1. Me, but only after 3:00 AM.
2. Someone in Antarctica who doesn’t have Internet access and will never get the chance to actually read any of this, but I swear he’d find it hilarious.
   
3. My aunt, Lois.

Part of the reason that I’m so good at blogging is because I only have a max of what, five stories to tell?  Not even five interesting stories or five funny stories, just five stories period.  So if you want to hear five stories about an uninteresting young man who occasionally pees in graduated cylinders because Science told him to (and I’m not talking about Tom Cruise!), come back here every 6 months or so and you’ll get to read them over and over, retold slightly differently every time.

Footnotes:

1. Where in the world did this metaphor come from?  It’s not like it’s jarringly unrelated to the metaphor a sentence earlier.