Thirksday: Breathiest Human Alive

I must admit that I hate Taylor Swift.

Actually, I don’t so much hate her as I HATE her. It deserves all-caps treatment.

Most people are going to get terribly offended right now. Don’t be. If you “<3″ her or something, I don’t care. Don’t stick up for her because you wish you were famous. This post is for people who agree with me or kind of agree.

You can disagree if you have a good enough excuse. First you have to hear my reasoning, which is past the break.

Here is the short list:

1. She can’t sing. At all. She’s so breathy. It’s like she had her vocal cords amputated, so she’s just forming sounds with her mouth and then breathing out really heavily. There’s no voice there, just breath.
2. She’s not very pretty, really. You’re just in awe of the glamor of her “fame.” Have you ever looked at her? I mean, really looked at her? Her eyes are these weird slits, her hair is nappy (and at least partially fake, I’m almost certain), her cheeks are weirdly puffy. She looks like she’s on Botox at 20.
3. She’s straight-up boring. I’m not really sure why I feel this way. She’s nice-ish, but it comes off as bored and boring and not giving a crap.
4. Her songs are not that great. We’ll be examining her lyrics later, in other posts. For now, let’s just talk about how repetitive they are. Let’s just talk about how repetitive they are. Let’s just talk about how repetitive they are. I hope you’re getting the point.
5. People are totally obsessed with her without warrant. She’s like Twilight in human form.